Friday, 25 January 2013

Day 212 - I AM FUMING!

I have just woken up from a dream.  In the dream a man is on a horse trying to get the horse to jump a brick wall which it will never make as he doesn't have enough room to run at it, so I am stood observing and I watch the horse fall and the man become angry at the horse.  With this I am fuming I rant and rave at the man and want to go over and punch him in the face.

At this point I wake up and I am still fuming I can feel the blood  cursing through my veins and my heart is pumping, the energy is vibrant I haven't experienced this for a long time and it is strong and addictive. As I go off into my mind to feed it more I am cursing and fueling the anger with thoughts of what I am going to say in my blog, ranting and raving and wanting to save the world, if I had a soap box at this point it would be out and I would be on it screaming at the world with my loud haler like a female version of Alex Jones with my conspiracy band waggon behind me!  It is at this point I stop and I breathe a few deep breaths to slow myself down enough to stop the literal madness!

What this dream highlighted to me is how throughout my life I have suppressed anger and aggression amongst other things.

Just a little story to expand the point.

A little while ago now someone approached me and said oh you are doing a great thing with Desteni, well done and I have noticed some of the comments to fellow Destonians on Facebook etc.. Comments like "Oh I love what you guys are doing, keep going save the world type comments".  Now me personally as I can't speak for all my fellow Journey to Life walkers is:  Who do you think we are and what are we doing that you can't?  I have had it all my life " Oh she's a nice girl, very pleasant and sweet, wouldn't harm a fly" type comments.  And that is the IMAGE that I have portrayed.  Well I have news for you.  I am not a NICE girl and in fact in my life I have been a spoilt brat and a spiteful self interested bitch if you want the truth.

Now this isn't a rant  as such but I must say it to get it off my chest as it is long overdue. But I don't want you to look at this and think I am talking for the others in Desteni, this is my personal blog.

But do you think we are Girl Guides/Scouts selling cookies to get a new roof for the church and an image of a little old lady tucking a few pounds into my hand as she say's " keep up the good work" springs to mind.

I don't see that I am being nice, I see that I am being a human BEING attempting to get out of the bullshit programming that I have accepted and allowed myself to instill in me from day one.  To be a self honest being that is trustworthy and worthy of life on this planet.  Who doesn't want to have a world where children can play unsupervised and animals can roam freely without fear of abuse and attacking each other/us?  Ask anyone and they would probably say no one wouldn't want this.  We only don't THINK that it is possible because we are viewing it from a very limited perspective and that is the mind.  We have been literal zombies, consuming ourselves and each other in energy and it really isn't how we are supposed to be. If everyone collectively decided to do what is best for all in every way you watch this planet change and for once we could have a reality that is worth talking about.

This world isn't getting any better look around and wake up.  As I cuddle my cat, and in the past, pay lip service to those around me that I love and care for them, I realise that this is my attempt at covering the guilt that I harbour for all the abuse I have ever inflicted on them/me through back chat, shouting and generally being spiteful in complete self interest.  That isn't to say that I don't care for them of course I do it's just that to date it has always had an agenda behind it and that is the honest truth.  Well my anger came out today and it wasn't aimed at the man on the horse or the rest of humanity, it was aimed at me to show me what I am still accepting and allowing and I decided no more abuse it stops here right here right now.

If you feel angry about the state of this world PLEASE put it to good use... Join Us

Much self forgiveness to follow.