Thursday, 24 January 2013

Day 211 - Paranoid - Who ME?






There still exists on occasions self doubt and paranoia.

I have noticed that I step forward at times with trepidation of perhaps I had better not say that, what if I am wrong? And then if I do take the plunge and step forward and speak up I wait for a favourable outcome and if it doesn't come in a moment.  I panic and withdrawal myself for fear of doing saying the wrong thing.

What is the right or wrong thing? It is always based in knowledge and information from which one makes an opinion, so what I see/realise and understand is that I am judging myself, it is all me, all the fear is still there from childhood, from being told that I should be seen and not heard and from not being valued for anything that I had to say.  Now this is not to point the finger at my parents and those that were around me growing up, because in fairness to them they didn't know what they were doing as they were programmed by their parents who were very strict Victorian in their discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to programme in from childhood that I need to be validated by another in that I have created a belief within and as me that I have to get acceptance from another that I am doing the right thing. As I have defined it and within this I now see/realise and understand that I will never do the 'right thing' by everyone as anothers acceptance of me is based on their own opinions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to go into a reaction of fear and paranoia that I have said something that could be misconstrued or that another may see as wrong in their own opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I want to say for fear of hurting anothers feelings or upsetting them. I forgive myself that I haven't seen realised and understood that if I was coming from a place that is best for all then I am clear within and as myself and if they get upset that is the way it is and that is for them to look at not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am inferior to others and that within this anything that I say is going to be wrong as others have more intelligence than me and are better versed in the ways of the world to have an opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how others see me and then within that I make up a story in my mind about how they are probably saying that I don't have a clue behind my back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that others are secretly talking about me and I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that this is what I myself have done/do to others so I automatically THINK everyone behaves the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in a moment go into fear of being ridiculed because of memories that I have imprinted from childhood, whereby I was told I was useless and then within this I felt sad for myself and never really stood up to the ridicule.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry/sad for myself and want some kind of reassurance from others that I am ok, so I would use being sad/upset to gain that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that others are better than me mostly because they had a university education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let other peoples opinions of me affect me to such a point that I have programmed them in as a personality and I have created a belief that this is who I am as a sensitive being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself down and then expect others to do the same, thus creating this reality for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprison myself in my own mind in paranoia and fear of what others think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a kind of petrification if I say something and don't get a response immediately. And then within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as keeping my mouth shut or regretting saying anything and wanting to withdraw it.

When and as I see myself as wanting to speak out but stop myself because of fear of how others may see me.  I stop and I breathe and I direct myself in the breath, stable and clear to speak and let it go and if in that moment I don't get an immediate response I keep breathing through it and slowing myself down and I do not allow myself to go off in the mind thinking; I have said the wrong thing, they will think I am stupid, I bet they are laughing at me. I commit myself to stop all paranoid thoughts of inferiority and self judgement and I commit myself to direct myself in clarity in every moment of breath until I am able to stand as a stable being aligned within and as every part of me in self trust and clarity.

When and as I see myself going into paranoia of stepping up and speaking or doing a thing. I stop immediately and I breathe and I bring myself here within and as the breath immediately and I do not allow the paranoia to possess me as energy. I remind myself that this is a personality design that I have programmed in as a system and it is NOT who I am.  I commit myself to undo the programming that I have created as a belief that I am less than life itself and then within this I hold no value and therefore anything I say or do is going to be 'wrong'

I commit myself to forgive myself for every single detail of myself that isn't in alignment with what is best for all in every moment of every day.