Thursday, 17 January 2013

Day 204 - The Snob





Where I live is a fairly quiet suburban area.  I have traveled around quite a bit with my work and I really enjoy the English countryside. I consider myself to be fairly lucky here where I live now because within 5 minutes you can be in the countryside from the town.  I have horses regularly walking past my house and lots of lovely birds and the neighbourhood is very pet friendly and my neighbours help each other out.  I feel comfortable here.

But I find myself feeling uneasy and a little afraid when I go to my local town.  I don't know why this is for sure yet but I will write it out and see.  I also know that there is a bit of a snob in me because there are a lot of young and unemployed as I have imagined, hanging around and to me they look a bit threatening stood on the street corners etc.

I have this tendency to judge them in my mind as I walk past and I also will also go into an experience of apprehension and fear especially if they have what I have considered an angry looking dog.

This snob in me has been here all of my life I would say.  I grew up in a working class household but my Mother was a snob and tried to portray the image that we had more than we did.  She would wear fur coats and lots of expensive jewellery and try to speak upper class.  I am not putting my Mother down here but I observed her as a socialite.  But I grew up trying to be more than I was and embarrassed that I didn't come from money.

I was sent for ballet lessons and violin at school, because it was what the posh kids did.

We used to have a business when I was kid and my Mother and Father weren't very business orientated so we didn't have it for very long so we accumulated a lot of debt. Because as the money stopped the social life and spending continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as superior to others and to try to portray an image of having more than and within that I experience myself as embarrassed or ashamed because I have debts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others that wear hoodies or are stood around doing very little as criminals that have nothing better to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be annoyed with my Mother because I saw her as a snob and someone that didn't want to admit that we had nothing so within this I saw that she led a very superficial life.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise and understand that Mother had her own fears and issues and that her way of dealing with them was to 'dress them up' and suppress them and that to judge her for this is not productive for my own process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to programme in from childhood that it is a bad thing to be seen as someone with very little in life and that we have to put on an act to pretend to others that life is all sweetness and light.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I don't know/understand and then within that I have given a label to another as bad just because I don't understand it I assume that it will be a certain way based on an opinion, not any real facts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others and see myself as some kind of country bumpkin type character that would easily fit into a Mid Summer Murders or Last of the Summer Wine episode.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into back chat and judgement when I walk past a gang of youths that have gathered and within that I will cross the street out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that others are rouges and criminals because they aren't dressed tidily and stood around being loud with frightening looking dogs.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to really get to know these people and to understand what they are going through.  I have done readings for some young lads and how they appear on the street isn't actually how they all are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on an act of having more than I really have and within that I will see myself as superior and more than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impressed if someone can afford fine wines and quality foods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impressed and want to read high brow publications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impressed by a nice accent and a good university education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an assumption that having money makes one a better person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind in back chat and then within this dismiss another as looking down on them as inferior. I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that I am secretly looking down on myself and that I have become ashamed that I don't have much myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to class myself as a middle class person.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a reality of my imagination, whereby I have a story of how I would like others to see me running in my mind and it isn't actually how things are in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie about the fact that I have bought clothes from the charity/thrift store, because I am ashamed of how others will see me.  So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge buying secondhand clothes as a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to covet high designer fashions.


When and as I see myself as thinking I am more than others and that I am not a part of this world/reality because I have separated myself within and as my mind as superior to others and not wanting to look at the dark greyness of the reality as (I have seen it in my minds eye) of this world and I have encased myself in a nice little pretty bubble to attempt to forget the harshness of this reality.  I stop and I breathe and I bring myself here within and as the breath. I stop the mind as my imagination and continue to correct myself with self forgiveness in every moment of every breath. I commit myself to remind myself that this world is as it is because of my participation in it and within that I commit myself to walk the process of correction that is needed until we are all equal and one and each has abundance and a dignified life.

When and as I see myself as fearing what is here because I fear the truth of myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be.  I stop and I breathe and I bring myself here within and as the breath of life and I forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in this world/reality and I align myself with the physical within and as the breath and I stop the mind as my imagination of what could happen or may happen and I live here in every moment of breath and not as an idealized version of myself based on fear.