Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Day 203 - Not Wanting to Really See or Be Seen






As I am deleting characters/personalities I am able to see more clearly how I/we behave as human beings. As I am unpeeling the layers of myself and who and what I have become I can clearly see how I have been operating in this reality.  I used to think I was a 'nice person' doing nice things for people and always considering others before myself, but what I didn't realise back then is there was always a self interest and hidden agenda behind my kindness.

I watched Game Show last night with Derren Brown and what was interesting about this was it showed how the group instinctively acted when they were anonymous.  Maya Harel has written a blog on this too in her Woman's Journey to Life.

The audience are masked to hid their identity and told to decide the fate of an unsuspecting person that was being secretly filmed.  The audience had to pick from two options as to how his evening would go and laughed along in spite and excitement as they watched him get arrested and have his TV smashed up and his flat messed up by one of the reporters on the ground.  Not everyone picked the negative option but on all occasions the question was asked, it was an overwhelming majority that wanted to inflict pain on the poor fella.

What I realised through watching this is how I hide behind others and when I have inflicted spite and nastiness on to others.  And when I was faced with the question " Did you do that?" I would then deny or find numerous excuses of why I wasn't fully to blame.  I would walk around smiling on the outside with the odd kind gesture towards others often incognito so I could inflate my ego because I  would tell myself that didn't expect thanks, but secretly hoping someone would see my kindness and thank me. Now this was all happening without me being fully aware of it, but that isn't to let me off the hook in anyway, but what I now see/realise and understand is that the behaviour was pre programmed, it was part of what made me up because of how I was influenced as a child.

Babies aren't born with predudices and spitefulness they learn it from us and of course there is the complex issue of how we separated ourselves in the first place from the whole of existence in spite of each other.   But that's a subject matter for another time. But what I am attempting to say here is when I have been behaving in this way I am not fully aware of it as I  have integrated within and me as part of me as who I have become as a number of personalities to hide behind, and now the truth of who I have been through writing and self forgiveness is emerging.

This was painful for me to look at today but it was like a glaring space had opened up and there I was in all my spite and selfishness naked to be looked at.  I had a dream after watching the show and in the dream I was able to see how I had been in life more clearly.  When asked whether I would choose the positive or negative option for the fella on the game show I said I didn't know but probably the positive because choosing the negative one I would feel guilty or infact believe that something bad/negative would then happen to me, like a kind of karma balancing act.    So here still is a self interest and a fear of something happening to me.

We are here out of spite and self interest in the first place and it has and is the underpinning of all that we do at the end of the day and even though I was looking at it previously as I have been writing, I didn't really SEE /realise and understand until now.

I have removed a lot of the surface programming and now I am in my the hard drive going in deep and facing the the core of who and how I am/have been so now I can really get in there and start cleaning up my ACT and actually start to do 'nice things' for others by sorting myself out and then assisting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I was a decent/nice person that wouldn't ever really hurt another out of spite or self interest. And if I did purely by default of my actions I would then feel guilty or sorry and I thought that this would be enough to absolve me of all blame because I felt badly about it.  I forgive myself that I didn't see realise and understand that by feeling badly doesn't infact change the behavior and that the only way to correct it is through self forgiveness and releasing self from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the very core of all of my personalities and open them up in fear of what I may find.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get swept along by others and go along with the herd mentality, because I thought that if I didn't I would be seen as different and weird.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh along with others when I see that they are being mocked or ridiculed in someway and then say "Oh no that's bad we shouldn't laugh" like some kind of absoltion of all crimes.  I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that by my physical doing one thing in spite and then attempting to cover it by admitting that it is spiteful I am separating myself further and further and just creating more confusion within and as me so that I then get to the stage where I don't know what I think anymore and my laughing along becomes like an automatic response that I can't control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to join in with others for fear of being left out or ridiculed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hid behind others in the name of my own self interest and spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others not liking me and accepting me if I were to speak out and say something different to the majority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover my own ass if someone was to approach me and point the finger of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as shame and regret for how I have behaved in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the blame at others feet for the problems in this world as I have seen that I am not affecting anything as I am a nice person.  I forgive myself that I haven't seen realised and understood how the mind works and how my back chat and secret mind thoughts, feelings and emotions are not mirroring what I am saying.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen realised and understood that my coming to a stop or the experience of me FEELING that I have turned a corner and that I am being self honest now was a  brick wall that I had placed so that I didn't have to look at what and who I really was and have been in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have done enough for now and that I can take a break. I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that I/we have a long way to go to bring about a world that is best for all and yet it is in sight so I realise and understand that there is no giving up and going back. So within that I see that I have actually turned a corner but there is much more work to do. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as overwhelmed and want to just rest for a while as I have done enough as I have seen it in my minds eye.


When and as I see myself as wanting to join in or go along with another because I have created a belief within and as me that the majority rule and if you can't beat them join them attitude.  I stop and I breath and I remind myself that the whole reason that this world/reality is in such a mess is because of such given up, defeatist attitude and that within that I am adding to the situation and in fact making it worse but acquiescing with the majority.  I commit myself to stand as the new majority of life as what is best for all in every way, equal and one.


When and as I see myself as secretly pleased with myself that I have achieved it, I am free.  I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down and I remind myself that my mind is still a very active participant in my life and in many ways is still the directive principle. So I walk and I apply myself as the correction of my words and I commit myself to no longer hide behind anyone or anything and I stand and I face every aspect of me till this is done and we have a world that is equal and one with all.

I commit myself to walk for at least 7 years to programme myself as life from and as the physical, to equalise myself with all parts and bring myself here to have an experience on this earth that is worth having.

I commit myself; to in all cases do what is best for all in every single scenorio, and that in fact I ask the question of " Is this what is best for all?" after every single moment of every single day. And I commit myself to do what is best for all in any moment.

I commit myself to drop the shame and regret of the fact that I have been operating in self interest and spite.

I commit myself to stop the polarity play outs of negative and positive by correcting myself in the breath within and as in every moment of my being here and walking my self forgiveness.