Sunday, 13 January 2013

Day 200 - Where am I now.

200 days of writing my Journey to Life.  Where have I come so far?  Well today I found myself stumbling for words to explain to another in my environment and someone that is very close to me what it is I have achieved so far in my process, effectively how I have changed.  It has been noticed by those that know me well that I am more direct, more organised,calmer, more assertive and less emotional.

I would say that I am less likely to react to others in emotion and I am more tolerant of others and I moan and groan about the state of the world/life less - so within this I am less in my mind thinking about things and then creating an energetic charged experience of frustration and annoyance and excitement. 

In a chat with Sunette last night I realised that I see the points that come up now as clear as day.  I am able to see the thoughts come in and they are specific and I am able to slow myself down and stop myself in a moment and see the specificity of what needs looking at and then later in writing it out the point really opens up.  Three or more months ago I would find this all a bit overwhelming in that I would start with one point say Jealousy and the character that I had created as my green eyed monster and I would start to write and then other factors would come in to be looked at like people pleaser character, so I would then experience myself as another character of too much ness or overwhelmed and then go into the mind in frustration as now there are three points to look at and potentially much more writing and it went on and on and on.  However now I am able to slow myself right down and see each point more clearly and specifically and I work on one at at time.  

On the subject of jealousy I have erased that character.

I direct myself to wake up and get up and I am able to do this now with consistency and not make an experience out of it.

I am calmer and more focused and I don't spend time in the mind in back chat as much as I used to.

I used to get extensive pain and discomfort in my shoulders a lot because I was stressed and anxious and allowed little things to get to me.  This no longer to date is a problem for me.

There are however still points of self judgement and judgement of others that comes up on occasions and I still have work to do on guilt and shame and a letting go of fear in certain aspects but essentially I have come a long way and I am different but yet I am still the same I don't FEEL different I just know that I am.

I did today drift off in my imagination for a little while at least 10 minutes until I stopped it and forgave myself and moved on.  But it is getting less that's for sure..

I don't experience boredom and I am more patient if I have to sit and wait somewhere.

I don't blame another for my problems and the way I experience myself any longer.

How I can sum this up in a few words is :  I am more stable. less afraid, more consistent, more reliable, more organised, calmer and I don't go into energy as much and if I do I now see it as a foreign state that is so obvious it is easy to stop and correct in a moment. So I do go into energy on occasions but I don't let it possess me any longer. 

I don't experience myself as tired and haven't had a dream now for a few weeks, although I have noticed if I do drift off for a few moments again, I will dream then, so I wake up and get up.

I still have a way to go but so far my progress has been subtle but extensive at the same time as I don't seem any different to myself I just know that I am if that makes

I commit myself to keep walking and keep forgiving myself every single moment of every single day until I am here equal and one with all that exists.