Thursday, 10 January 2013

Day 197 - Friendships




I took a break from some work tonight and found myself alone with the TV.  I had recorded  the Sex and the City film and I sat and watched it in the name of research...lol.  I used to love watching the show when it was on years ago and I wanted to see who I was now when watching it after walking process for a while.   I found myself really enjoying it but the main thing that comes through is the intimate friendships that the four girls have and I had a lump in my throat at one point because the main character Carrie was left at the aisle in her wedding dress and in her deep sorrow the other girls rallied around and give her lots of TLC.  What this brought up in me and how I relate it to myself and the lump in my throat is that I see that I have never truly had those kind of friendships with girls/woman or should I say I wouldn't let myself, what I now see/realise and understand is that I have always held back from allowing myself to fully let go and be vulnerable in friendships.  There has been a mixture of fear and self doubt.

Fear that I will make a fool of myself if I really allow myself to admit that I have needed someone in my life in the name of friendships, so I see within this that I may always put the friends problems first and not ask for help from them.  I am able to avoid myself and really looking at myself if I focus on another in spite of me.

Self Doubt that another will not really want to know me because I am not really that interesting. So I see within this a lot of self judgement.

Also I have always had hard work relationships with my female friends, wherein I have always seen myself as the submissive one and resented it. Now obviously since I have been walking my own self dishonesty I can see how relationships are based in self interest and I  have kind of always seen that so I would shy away from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire close female friendship.  I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see realise and understand that all my friendships to date have been built on self interest and competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that a film or TV show is really how it is in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as the submissive one in relationships and go into regret and resentment aimed at the friend because of my inability to stand my own ground for fear of upsetting them or losing the relationship.  I forgive myself that I haven't seen realised and understood that I am keeping the relationship going out of fear of being alone without friends so within that I give in for a quiet life as I see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other females because I have told myself that I prefer the company of men. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge women as hard work and men as easy/simple and non emotional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my own emotions as a woman and to see that by being emotional it will weaken me and make me vulnerable to others.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bury parts of me and act strong in fear of being vulnerable/compromised. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over analyse and act out according to my own interpretation of how I see things going and call it being one step ahead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am not important and that from childhood programming I have created a victim character, whereby I would put others ahead of me and see that my problems were not important enough and within this I was able to be a martyr and 'feel sorry for myself'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming close and intimate with another as a friend in my life and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I am an island, independent and that I don't need friendships. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand that one needs to be intimate with oneself first and foremost and not search for it outside of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others in separation of me in that they can't possibly understand my life and what I have gone through, again activating the victim character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself because I have created a belief within and as me that I don't really matter.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL uncomfortable and want to play it down when I am talking about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming intimate with myself and then within this as an outflow I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming intimate with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as needy and victims of life - when all along I am judging myself and creating a belief that others will see me that way because of how I see them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear lesbians and within that I have created a belief that if I have a close female friendship others may see me as a lesbian or the friend may get the wrong idea. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being a lesbian as something that is 'wrong' based on my programming from childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly be a little jealous of woman/girls that have very close friendships because within this I have created a belief that they have no fear of being intimate with themselves. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to the opposite polarity of being independent and not needing another as a way to defend myself as not needy or reliant and then within this I have judged being needy and reliant as undesirable and will do my ut most to remain solitary and not dependant on others out of fear of how they will see me. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to how others may see me.  Therefore I forgive myself for fearing my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience discomfort in my physical body as shivering or shuddering when I think about being needy or reliant as I have defined it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go off in my mind and then suppress how I am actually feeling about something because I have created a belief within and as me that others won't be interested and then within this I am diminishing myself and making myself less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable and to within that construct a barrier around me so that others aren't able to get too close.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of others becoming too close because I am fearful of being too close with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I can't trust other females, based on a memory I have as a child/young girl. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relive a memory that is running on a kind of auto pilot within and as me and then within that allow it to affect my behaviour in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other females as bitchy and gossipy. I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that I have been this way myself so what I see in myself I expect in others also.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I don't need many friends as I haven't enough time for myself.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and tie myself to TieME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reminisce about female friendships and then within this desire to have a close female friend as I have seen it in a movie/show.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a system that doesn't regard all life equally and within that buy into the notion of the battle of the sexes.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed and programmed in fear and competition with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the rest of life as a female and then within this I have bought into the programmed belief that women are of a lesser value  than men in life.

When and as I see myself as desiring to be more intimate and closer with the females in my environment, like the friendships in the movie Sex and the City.  I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that what I am looking for here is for another to complete me in friendship because I haven't give myself care and attention and intimacy and I remind myself that most friendships in life and to date have always been based on self interest and competion and in one way or another a friend will look for another friend to fill what they are lacking within themselves and that is self intimacy (In To me see). I commit myself to stop the abuse that has been friendships within and as this world and to connect with others without any agenda and to view all as equal and one, whether they be male or female.

When and as I see myself as wanting to not connect with others because I have defined myself as an island/independant and a loner I stop and I breathe and I look to see what is coming up within and as me that is based in fear.  I commit myself to walk the points that still come up within and as me and I apply self forgiveness and I continue to breathe and slow myself right down and I then communicate with the other individual without anything moving within and as me and if a thought in back chat or a feeling or emotion comes up.  I stop in the moment and I correct myself within and as the breath of life and I commit myself to connect with others without any fear of judgement.

When and as I see myself watching something on the TV or in the cinema and I see that I am going off into my mind and activating memories that are bringing up feelings and emotions. I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down and I note the points that are coming up and I commit myself to write it out and correct myself through self forgiveness.

I commit myself to stand in self honesty of every moment of breath and I commit myself to give to myself what I believe I am lacking and needing within and as me as friendships. 

I commit myself to stand as a living example of how this world can be if we all were to live in equality and oneness. No special friendships or relationships.  Just care and attention for ourselves and each other.