Monday, 7 January 2013
Day 194 - My Reaction based in Emotion
It is cool that I now speak up for myself if I am not in alignment with something that is suggested to me, whereby in the past I would perhaps just go along with it and then bitch and moan about it in back chat. What I noticed yesterday is that something came up and someone volunteered me for something without fully discussing it with me. So I objected but my response was not direct it was driven with emotion and lots of apologies and then I experienced myself as guilty and making excuses for why I couldn't do such a thing and then I was angry with myself because I just didn't direct myself within and as the breath and just stand strong and say " No sorry I can't help out there"and then leave it at that. So I have gained in the fact that I am more forth right but what I see here is that I haven't covered every nook and cranny so to speak because I am still driven by feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional charge of guilt and fear about another thinking that I am not helpful and then they may talk about me behind my back. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a story about how things may be after I say no to something within and as my imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in stress and worry that I won't be able to help this person out and then underneath this I am creating a belief that it is my problem/responsibility because some one put it at my feet so then I experience myself as 'feeling bad' and then within this I will worry that they won't like me or ask me to help again.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself in self honesty in every moment of breath and that my decision to say no on this occasion was driven by feeling angry that I hadn't been asked for the favour first, it was just assumed and within that I reacted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into back chat whereby I diminished the other in my mind as " why did they put me on the spot there?" I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to justify myself to others around me and then within that HOPE to gain acceptance that what I said was ok, that they would have said the same thing, that I was in the 'right' instead of just saying NO sorry I can't help and leave it there I allowed my mind to possess me in fear of whether I what I said was acceptable in the eyes of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated within and as myself and then I have created a belief that I have let myself down and then within that I replay the conversation in my mind and to my partner looking to see if I could have handled it differently. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go off in my mind in over analysing a situation instead of just breathing in the moment the thoughts came up and instead in went into pre programmed patterned behaviour and activated the people pleaser character.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that others are my responsibility and I must help them otherwise they won't like me or speak about me behind my back and within that I am fearful that I will isolate myself with people and that they will see me a mean and unhelpful. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that all others think like me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to programme in from child hood the character of people pleaser to get attention and love from others as I have seen it in my minds eye and within this, the more amiable and helpful I am the more attention and care I receive. Thus I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to give to myself the very care and attention that I believe I need, through self honesty and self intimacy in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in every moment of breath.
When and as I see myself as attempting to go off in my mind in fear of others not liking me. I stop and I immediately correct myself within and as the breath and within this I stop the emotions and feelings that are coming up and then when I am in a position to do so if I can't in that moment I write it out and apply self forgive ness to every seemingly little thing that has come up within and as me as back chat and fear no matter how small it appears in my minds eye. I commit myself to trust that I will do the best thing for all in any given situation.
When and as I see myself as doubting myself as 'doing the correct thing' as I have defined it. I stop and I breath and I assess the situation in my mind for a moment and I speak, firmly and directly and if in that moment I can't assist and it is not in alignment with what I am doing at that moment, I say so and then I commit myself to drop it and not go off in the mind in judgements and back chats I just breath and stand clear here within and as the breath and then within that I am able to trust myself as doing what is best for all in any given moment.