Friday, 4 January 2013

Day 191 - Stiff Upper Lip


I have been upset about my cat the last few days as she had a seizure and as far as I know it's the first.  But what I realised that I was doing was down playing the way I feel about her as I saw it as silly because many would kind of look at me strangely or in one case laugh when I mentioned that I was worried and upset about her.  She has been a huge part of my life to date and I am dealing with it much better today after speaking with Maya and writing it out and reading Maya's blogs about how she dealt with her pain about losing the animals around her. 

But I relate this point of downplaying and making out that everything is OK to the rest of my life and how I suppress my own stuff that I have considered important because I don't think anyone else will be interested and I consider it silly.  In the UK we call it the 'stiff upper lip' just get on with it attitude, haven't got time to be upset.  So I have grown up with older parents that served in the second world war and they told me many stories of how people just buried how they were feeling for the greater good and just got on with it.

When I was reading one of Maya's blogs, i'll post the links to the blogs at the end of the document, I started to cry, but not like I used to cry, whereby I would want to feel the sadness cursing through me and I would read more sad stories and listen to sad songs to get the full experience and end up with red puffy eyes, but always on my own and never show or tell anyone else I was upset.  But today the crying was different it came without me thinking too much about it and I did for a moment try to take myself off down memory lane to add to the experience, but I just kept breathing through it and crying and reading Maya's blog out loud and I released it.

Afterwards I experienced myself as a huge sense of relief, like something had cleared, so I had an interesting realisation here that from the support I had from Maya and the reassurance I had that I wasn't the only one that had these feelings, it gave me the permission to let go finally and let it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my grief because I have created a belief within and as me that it doesn't matter what I think/feel, as I am not important and within this I have to be brave and keep a stiff upper lip because it was how I was programmed as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to programme in from child hood that crying is silly and embarrassing, because of being told that by my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I am really feeling for fear of others poking fun at me. So within that I  forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself  to suppress and hide away how I am feeling as a matter of fact and that if others are to see me as sad I would say" oh it's silly, I am being silly, just ignore me"  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that others will judge me as being silly for being upset because it is how I have seen myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the way I am FEELING as not important and that it doesn't matter because I am lucky and there are so many others in this world that don't have the privileges that I have in the Western world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL guilty because I am upset about something that I have considered important to me and then look at images of those that are starving and dying and being abused  I think that I have nothing to worry about and so within this I will bury my own feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to programme in the 'stiff upper lip' attitude and that consider others that are upset about what I would consider insignificant to me as silly and overreacting. Thus I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand that they are holding a mirror up to me as my own self judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how others will see me if I cry and then within this I am in fear of being seen as weak and vulnerable.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that if I cry in front of others at some point they will use it against me.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable and weak and others attacking me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to being vulnerable and weak and therefore I forgive myself that I fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as weak when they are crying and within this become frustrated with them and want to say " come on, it's not that bad" and attempt to perk them up by diminishing how they are feeling.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat about others that are crying.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to vocalise myself to others when I will say " What is she crying about now? Rather than support them by helping them see why they are crying and deal with the core of the issue.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen realised and understood that buried underneath what I think I am crying about is often something deeper that needs looking at. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit in private and go deep into sadness and feeling sorry for myself by listening to sad songs and reading sad stories and within this generate an energetic experience out of it.

When and as I see myself as suppressing tears that are needing to come as a release.  I stop and I breathe and I allow myself to express them.  I commit myself to keep breathing throughout my crying and allowing myself to 'let it go'  Without going into mind and recalling stories etc.

When and as I see myself as wanting to 'beat myself up' for crying or feeling sad in that I will attempt to divert my attention and brush over it. I stop and I breathe and I bring myself here within and as the breath and I look at the reason that I am wanting to release my tears and I write it out and if the tears come still, I let them come until I have released the point.  I commit myself to stop suppressing and down playing how I am feeling out of fear of how others will see/judge me.

When and as I see myself as becoming annoyed and frustrated with others that are crying over what I have considered in my mind as something insignificant to them and within that I will have back chat.  I stop and I breathe and I bring myself here immediately and I offer support to them by being here for them and listening and directing the point with advice on how I have walked the point. I commit myself to stop judging self and others as silly/annoying when they are openly crying about what I have considered small things.

I commit myself to walking the journey of life for at least seven years until I stand clear/stable here as life and whereby nothing or no one one effects or moves me.


Maya's blogs

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2012/12/how-to-cope-with-death-of-pet-day-248.html
http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2012/12/how-to-deal-with-death-of-our-pets-part.html
http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2012/12/my-dog-as-my-comfort-zone-day-251.html