I was listening to the My Life after 21st Dec interview. Really cool listen btw! and since I have had the problem of my cat having a seizure to deal with. I have realised that I am still living in fear and the only way I can describe it is like a fear of actually really 'letting go' breathing and being here.
http://eqafe.com/p/my-life-after-december-21st-2012-life-review Link for Life Review
I go so far and then I stop, but it's not a conscious stop, but I am aware that I have created a bit of a brick wall for myself and I see this in my mind like well I have dealt with this aspect of me so I file it away and close the cabinet and then want to sit down and have a break. But as I am sitting I am in anxiety waiting for the next thing to come up. It is really difficult to explain but basically its like a low level fear, by low level I mean it's kind of there in the back ground and I realise that it has been the basis of who and how I have been and I have been layering personalities on top of it, as my cover story if you like.
What comes up when I look at it here is essentially fear of death, fear of not existing, fear of not being who I have been any longer, fear of losing the people/animals that I have used to define myself by, fear of actually letting it all go! And I am scared/worried of what I may face and I now know it's obviously me as my mind creating this fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of death of not existing and that within that I have created a belief within and as me that when I die I will be lost and alone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as the mind to convince myself that I am separate from everything and within that I have allowed myself to create a fear and belief that when I die I will just be me with my own mind nothing more and within this I have a fear of going crazy and completely losing control.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand that when I die the mind will be no more. As it is what I have allowed to be the directive principle of me to date in this reality as the physical. And that my human physical body stays here and returns to the earth and the mind with it and it has been the vessel for and as the mind as substance but because of how I have programmed the mind to have dominion over me because of fears and judgements. I have sabotaged the physical and it really isn't who I am as the substance of life, having a physical experience, and that the key is the physical and my opportunity to finally free myself from the confines of the prison that has been the mind and equalise it within and as me for once and for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse/sabotage my human physical body because of how I have gone into stress and worry and fear about living and death and within this I have put strain on the body and allowed myself to age and deteriorate. I forgive myself that I haven't seen realised and understood the value of being here in the breath in every moment, slowing myself down and not going into reaction that is driven by fear that I have created within and as my mind/physical. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that the mind is who I am and that the personalities that I have programmed in as layers to cover over the inherent fear that I have been existing with and as, that have been carried on generation after generation as the sins of the fathers and personalities that I have created as a defence mechanism to my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lonely if those in my environment were to leave or die. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alONE with everything that is here because I have created a belief within and as me that I am not enough on my own and that I may be bored. Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the mind as fear of loosing the mind and I have created a belief within and as me that the energy that I have generated from the mind as entertainment for myself is real and is what sustains me as a human and that without it I will be bored. Thus I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that it actually limits me and ties me in to this reality as pre occupying me so that I don't actually experience myself as life in the physical within and as the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by others and their relationship to me and thus within that I have created within and as me a fear of loosing them. I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that by me fearing loosing those that I have in my environment as companions and friends I am actually fearing having to face myself for once. and because I have defined myself by others, it has taken the spot light off of me. So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate all responsibility for myself and place the definition of myself at the feet of others. I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that I can never lose myself and that by losing my definition towards others doesn't mean I will actually lose who I am, I will just lose the false ego that I have built up and around others as personalities based of fear of letting go of the ego because it is what I have always known myself to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view my false ego interpretation of me as a security blanket that a child would have and if I was to lose it I would be lost. Thus I forgive myself that I haven't actually seen/realised and understood that to lose my security blanket wouldn't be a bad thing as I wouldn't actually die.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself out of my own self interest to experience myself as wanting to hold on to and control others environments because I fear losing them. Thus I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand that they are in their own process and on their own journey's and I canNOT control what happens to them. Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply the basic principles of what is best for all in every given moment.
When and as I see myself as fear of letting go of what I have defined myself by as the ego and personalities and just being here within and as the breath. I stop and I breathe immediately and I slow myself down and within that I stop the thoughts that are coming up and looking for my attention as fear and self sabotage and I apply self forgiveness in the moment on the fears that are coming up and I remind myself that this is NOT who I am as life in the breathe in every moment and I commit myself to keep breathing and slowing myself down in every moment of breath, until absolutely nothing is moving me and distracting me from being here within and as the physical.
When and as I see myself as fear of losing those that are around me, that I have defined myself by as making up who I have become and been in this world/reality and within that I have created a fear dimension within and as me of losing them and thereby losing myself, in that I will not exist. I stop and I breathe and I immediately bring myself here within and as the breath and I remind myself that I am HERE noTHING more, noTHING less and I commit myself to remain in the breath and not wander off in the mind in fear and apprehension of what may be out there if I am to face it alone and I commit myself to STOP the fear NOW, right here in this moment so that I no longer NEED another to define me and I am able to stand stable and clear within and as me as the breath of life and when I do die I will just step into the next phase of my existence, just like leaving the room because I am equal with all of life.
I commit myself to let the fear of not existing go
I commit myself to embrace the darkness.
I commit myself to allow others there own journey in life and that I don't have any control of when death will come for me or them.
I commit myself to clear my mind of the fear of being alone and I remind myself that I am part of all that is here so I am never actually alone because I am ALL ONE..
I commit myself to stop the mind of thoughts that take me off into feelings and emotions, by just being here within and as the breath of life.
I commit myself to view this world through the eyes of a baby, in awe of everything, fearing nothing and compassion and humbleness for everything.