Monday, 12 November 2012
Day 138 - I Don't Know How to Speak to Children
I became aware today of something that I haven't noticed before. I find myself as anxious and a little afraid of speaking to children.
One of my Nieces is only five and I find myself being nervous of speaking to her, because mostly I don't want to say or do something that could have a lasting impression and something that may hinder her in some way. So to counter this I end up acting the goat or being silly...Doing silly things to make her laugh, so that in fact she now likes to see me, because of this very thing that I make her laugh.
I saw a gang of school children today that were around age 11 and my first thought was; I don't think I would have the confidence to be a teacher.
I even find at times I don't know how to relate to teenage kids and within this I find myself being awkward and uncool...lol
Now I am not entirely sure at this stage what is the underlying fear here, but as I write I am sure I will realise more so here goes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear and anxiety of saying the wrong thing or upsetting a child if I speak to them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as not wanting to participate with children one on one and within this I feel more comfortable if others are with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not completely trust myself to say the right thing to children and then within this I am judging myself as not knowing how to speak to them because I don't have any children of my own I have created a belief within and as me that I am unable to say the correct things.
I now/see/realise and understand that my fear of children not liking me is because I am fully aware of how children of a certain age are able to see the truth of us. Especially in my niece's case when she will look at me like she is saying " What are you doing auntie Kim" that's not really who you are...lol or so I have imagined in my minds eye.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by children as not a very nice person - because I have created a belief within and as me that they can see the truth of me...So within this I now/see/realise and understand that I am still being judgemental toward myself and that I am not being self honest in that I don't trust myself as someone that she would like and so within this I have to put on a act to make her like me. Because I have created a belief within and as me that the 'real me' isn't worth knowing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that by being myself and nothing moving inside of me in fear and anxiety of how I am going to viewed when I talk to children, in that I will adjust my behaviour so that they laugh or think that I am fun.
I forgive myself that I have connected saying the wrong thing to children of a certain age to fear, therefore I forgive myself that I fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over think and over analyse a situation whereby I will talk to a child and then walk away thinking over what I have said to them. Because I realise and understand the impact that I as an adult have on a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe because I don't have children of my own I don't know what to say to them or to relate to them.
What I now/see/realise and understand is that if I was here, breathing and just expressing myself here as life this wouldn't be an issue, but instead because I am in fear and anxiety it is an issue in that I am trying to be something to fit in, so within that I am in a mind created personality. Rather than trusting myself because I am self honest in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go off in my mind trying to fit in to a situation and say things that have the starting point of being liked by them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate a memory of how my own parents spoke to me and within this I try not to be like them as I found my Mother particularly harsh.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a image/memory of my Mother being harsh and within that judge her as not a good parent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint a memory of how my Mother spoke to me and then within this use it to hold me back from being myself in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from children especially as seeing myself as less than them because at a certain age they are fairly innocent and not tainted by the quantum mind so within this I experience myself as fear of them seeing my programming and sussing me out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind and try to logically figure out a game plan on how to relate to children. Instead of being here in every moment of breath and nothing moving inside of me and no preconcieved ideas of how a situation may turn out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than another and then within this experience myself as awkwardness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist correcting a child when I see that they are doing something that is self dishonest. Within this I now/see/realise and understand that this is because I have a fear within and as me of being seen as the baddie and I want them to really see me as someone who is fun.
I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to act the clown when I have experienced myself as uncomfortable within and as myself. I now/see/realise and understand that the programme of clown/comic comes up when I am anxious within and as myself because I don't fully trust myself and within that I am not being self honest.
When and as I see myself going off in my mind and not being here totally within and as my breath. I stop and I slow myself down by taking a deep breath and I continue to express myself in that moment. I commit myself to stop myself going off in my mind looking for the 'right things to say' to make me fit in or be liked by children.
When and as I see myself as awkward because I am in a situation where I experience myself as out of my depth. I stop and I breathe and I bring myself here within and as myself and I in that moment stop all participation within and as the mind and I just let go of all anxiety or fear that is coming up through doing self forgiveness and continuing to utilise the four count breath. I commit myself to delete the character of not good enough for once and for all.
When and as I see myself as viewing children as less than me in that they have nothing to contribute to a conversation. I stop and I breathe and I bring myself here and I remind myself that children are the future and it is of ut most importance that I reflect to them equality and oneness and to take the time to get to know them and understand who I am with them and who they are within and as me. I commit myself to drop the act of clown when and around children as a means to get them to like me.