Friday, 5 October 2012

Day 100 - A Moment in Time - Self Pity/Victim Character


 

I wanted to place here a situation that is something that I have accepted and allowed to shape my future as an adult and it has been underpinning a number of characters that I have activated growing up.  What has brought this to mind lately is that a 5 year old has gone missing in Wales and this has brought this memory back to me in a moment.

I was around 5 years old I was in Spain on holiday with my Mother and Father.

Now as you probably know if you read a previous blog my Mother was an alcoholic and my Father was a what he would refer to as a 'social drinker' None the less there lives revolved around going to the pub or spending time in bars. They liked to drink put it that way.  Now back to my story, I am 5 and I am quite a cute 5 year old with curly blond hair and a dimpled face, some would say typically English looking; whatever that means.

Two young Spanish men of, I would say mid twenties were playing ball with me outside of the bar we were in.  My Mother and Father were pre occupied inside drinking and laughing and chatting.  And with that one of the men popped their head around the door and said to my Mother " Can we take her for a drive in our car?" and the next thing I knew I was walking to the car with them. Now at this point as I recall the memory, I can't remember my Mother or Fathers exact reaction to the question of them taking me for a ride.  But I am now in the car, in the middle of them both on a long bench type seat and we are rattling along this bumpy stone road.

I remember thinking where am I going, I think I even said " Am I allowed to come with you" and they said " Yes that's fine, Momma said ok" I said " What about my Daddy?" They said at this point if my memory serves..something along the lines of " We won't be long, we just want to show you" I didn't speak after this.  Show me what? What is this I remember thinking..

We travelled for it seemed like hours and we seemed to be a very long way away from the bar we were at.  The next thing I remember is crying and feeling so scared and alone and with that they said " Get out" and opened the door and pushed me out into the road. 

I don't remember if they did anything to me. I just remember standing there -  scared stiff, crying and sobbing.  I started to walk along this dirt road that had nothing either side apart from barren land and sand, no landmarks and no other people around.

I was walking for what seemed like hours which in reality was probably only about 10 minutes and with that I was aware of a presence behind me.  I felt calm in that moment and remember looking back and saying " hello" it was a man. I knew I could trust this man.  He wasn't complete in his form, he didn't really have a solid shape as such, but in that moment I knew him and he walked with me back to the bar and then I was met with my Mother running up the street, shouting" where have you been???" At that point I remember thinking - You sent me away.  I burst into tears and ran towards her and looked around for the man. No man there!

Now as I remember this story I am still experiencing myself as fear and anxiety as I cast my mind back to remember the event. I also hold on to a lot of anger toward my Mother and Father for allowing me to go off with these men, which in all honesty I don't remember if they said I could go or not, but the fact is they weren't paying attention and I was taken away.

What I now/see/realise and understand is that this situation is something that I have held on to as a memory of having parents that didn't care about me and found drinking and having fun more important than me.  So within this I have used this story to gain sympathy from others, because when I would tell it. Most times it would be met with disgust or horror.   How can parents let that happen.  Some have even said " Well I suppose it was safer then" Which would have been my Mother's response if someone had told her the story.  So within this I have cultivated the character of victim/self pity.

I have asked my Mother why she let me go off with the men and she brushes over it and says, well they were nice guys and we knew them from before.

This character has come up at different times in my life but it has also been the reasoning behind I have had abusive relationships with men in my early teenage/twenties. I also see as well that I have invested time in being with 'those on the otherside' when I was growing up because I saw safety in this and was the basis for my development of my psychic ability and my having nature beings as friends. ( This will be a blog for another time )

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to programme in the character of victim, and that I have created a belief within and as me that I don't matter, that no one really cares about me and by telling this story to others I now/see/realise and understand is that I have been using it as a way for others to feel pity for me and and give me some attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that my parents didn't care about me because they let me go with the men, and that they were more interested in getting drunk. I now/see/realise and understand that I have been blaming my parents for not really caring about me and when my Mother became sick, I experienced myself as finding it a chore looking after her, because I saw that I didn't owe her anything, because I believed that she didn't look after me properly and within and as this I experienced myself as FEELING guilty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as guilt for not really wanting to take care of my Mother, because in my mind I would be thinking. Well she's done this to herself and she didn't really care about me anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my fault that my parents let me go off with strange men. Because I saw it that they didn't care about me and I had created a belief within and as me and didn't really want me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and tell myself that I am not wanted by my parents and that they obviously don't love me, because if they did they wouldn't let me go off with men in a car on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am not a nice person and that I am not worthy of love. So within and as me I have created and played out the victim/self pity character to manipulate situations to get what I believe I needed at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel upset and angry with my parents and to hold on to the fact that  I saw them as unreliable parents and it was their fault that I have always sought out men in my early years that treated me badly. What I now/see/realise and understand is that I have grown up with a feeling of not belonging and having parents that didn't want me really, because of a belief that I have created within and as me, because they let me go off with strangers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as embarrassment and shame of the way that my parents behaved when they were drinking and that I wished I had different parents, within this is  I now/see/realise and understand that I still experience guilt. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as self pity and guilt because I took responsibility for my perants and I saw the drinking in my minds eye as them not being happy with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spiteful thoughts about my parents and to participate in back chat about them being hopeless parents and that I wished I had different parents that I believed would care about me better and not just sit me in a car in a pub with a bottle of coke and packet of crisps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate the self pity/victim character when I have created a belief within and as me that I am not cared about, in that another is not giving me enough attention as I have seen it in my minds eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am not worthy and that I am not able to nurture and care for myself enough and within that I have placed the responsibility of being cared for and nurtured at the feet of another.

When and as I see that I am activating the self pity/victim character. I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here to remind myself that I am the only one that is able to care for and nurture me and to within this look to see where I have created a belief within and as me that has led me to experience myself as unloved or unworthy and I do self forgiveness and I release myself from the bondage of a memory that have existed within and as me for most of my adult life.

I commit myself to stop the activation of the self pity/victim character and to stop living in the past in a memory of an event that I don't have all the facts about anyway.  I bring myself back here in every moment of breath and I remind myself that I am not this memory and that it is not who I am, but it is what I have allowed myself to be directed  as and by. And I release the memory of being allowed to go with strangers go for once and for all, so that in no way do I experience myself as unloved or unworthy, because I am giving me everything I need in every moment of breath.